Life sucks. I feel alone. That’s not to say that I’m lonely. I’m constantly surrounded by friends, and I talk to family regularly. Yet, I feel completely alone. It’s dropped me in a deep depression that I’m having trouble climbing out of.
I mean, I get bummed. A lot. My tendency to be moody is legendary within my family. But this one is bad. I’ve been in near full hermit mode, which is difficult when you live with and near people that enjoy your company. Though I appreciate being around my friends, I’ve been emotionally detached from all of them as of late.
It would be easy to explain it as homesickness, but I don’t think I’d find what I’m looking for at home either. That’s not a knock on my family. They, like my friends, like spending time with me and to have a good time of it. However, none of it is fulfilling in any way deeper than for entertainment. I can watch a movie or read a book if I want entertainment.
No, I feel alone emotionally. That sounds sappy, but it’s something happy people take for granted. More and more of my friends have significant others now. They spend time with them, even traveling just to see them at times. I notice the late night calls and the mildly wistful mentions of them in casual conversation.
I guess I miss that. I usually don’t fret about being single. I don’t mind avoiding the complications and responsibilities of having a girlfriend. But I miss having someone to call who responds to me emotionally. There goes that sappy word again. I hate contemplating my emotional state. I think it’s a combination of the emotional distance from my dad, and the emotional damage from my mom. I can’t get inside my head like that without a whole mess of anxiety. That might explain why I smoke so much pot.
It’s been about a year and a half now since I’ve had any sort of emotional relationship. Before then, I’ve had a lady friend of some sort since senior year of high school. Since then, any attempt to build anything similar has been met with rejection. I don’t blame them. I haven’t really liked myself in the last year and a half either. It’s not even about having someone to spend nights with. I want to share my day with someone first.
Solutions? I can’t talk with anybody about it. A version of dad’s emotional distance I guess. How dare you try to tell me how I should feel about anything? It won’t end well, no matter how well intentioned the talks are. There have only been a handful of people I’ve felt close enough to confide in about my emotional state. None of them are there anymore. Even if they’re present, dynamics of relationships change and I don’t feel that same comfort anymore. In the past, I’ve found new people to fill voids but with all of the recent changes, it hasn’t happened the same.
So now, I’m left to sort through my thoughts alone. A sad sate of affairs. Depression’s a mean and gloomy bitch.
There’s no rationality behind it, everything just sucks.
I’m losing it. Whatever it is that made me keep going, I’m running out of it. It takes a lot of patience and self-confidence to make it in the entertainment industry. I thought I had enough of both to keep hope alive that I would achieve the goals I set out for my career. I’m starting to realize that the confidence I had built up until now may have been a ruse, and the first person I tricked was myself.
I’m not very good at making films. Some of my peers are much better than me, and let’s not get started on those with more experience. I can talk shop with the best of them. I have studied the craft extensively and understand how it should be executed. But I’m not very good at doing it myself. I’ve been looking at footage of stuff that I’ve shot trying to put together a reel to show around, but it all looks like shit to me. Maybe I’m being too critical, but it’s not the kind of stuff I want to show others.
Additionally, I don’t have a great personality. I’m not very extroverted and even less interesting. I cringe at the idea of hanging out with people one on one because I consider myself a dull person. And on the occasions that I bring myself to socialize in a group, I usually just observe and laugh at people’s jokes. I don’t have that personality that makes a person memorable. It seems the people that get a good start in this industry get by with their charisma where skill isn’t apparent yet.
Considering I have neither the skill nor the charisma, I’m starting to see my goals fade into the distance. There’s no way I can keep up with them. So, what to do? What other life can I choose for myself that I am better suited for?
Well… it’s been almost three weeks since I moved to Los Angeles, so I figured it was time for an update.
I’ve managed to keep relatively busy since moving, which is a very good thing. Not only does it make me feel better than the festering nothingness that I was doing in Arizona, but keeps my mind occupied so I don’t stress about the potential problems I may have now that I’m here. Things have been peaceful and pleasant with my roommate so far. I’m thinking the change of scenery has helped me him be in better spirits. However, not all was peachy as we moved away.
The night before we traveled, we were hanging out with some friends one last time. A little too much was imbibed, and some grievances were aired out. It’s really difficult to tell your friends the things you don’t like about them, and even though the intent was friendly, it was taken to heart. It has damaged a particular friendship, and placed me square in the middle of it all. There’s only so much negotiating I can do on both sides of the friendship. I hope it can get resolved sooner rather than never, because I like having my friends together.
Right after I got to LA, I was passed some work as a PA on a commercial. The pay was awesome, and the people were nice enough, but I don’t know that I want to make a habit of working commercials. The vibe is different than on other narrative projects. I’ll probably keep taking the gigs if they come along just to make money, but my love is for the camera department.
Thankfully, a friend was able to get me on board a feature as a camera intern. There was no pay, but I had one of the more gratifying filming experiences during that week. I worked with a very talented DP and an equally talented AC team. They taught me a great deal about how to conduct myself on a professional set, and I got to play with one of the most awesome camera systems currently available, the Arri Alexa. This one in particular was rented from Panavision, and custom built to handle their super speed lenses. It was the most awesome thing to get to handle the camera while learning from some real pros. I hope the relationships I made on that shoot lead to further work in the camera department.
Next week, I’m going to work on a student thesis film by a student at Cal Arts. I know the DP from previous collaborations in Arizona, and I’m excited to work with him and this crew again. This time, I’ll be 2nd AC on a shoot with a RED camera. I’m just as excited for the chance to learn another system that professional shows are using.
Well, that about catches up on my work since moving. Next time maybe I’ll dive into how the move has affected me personally, especially being away from my family. In short, I really miss them. See you on the next one.
Anonymous Asks:
emiliomejia Said:
Thanks for reading and for the kind words. I was debating being that personal in a public way, but needed to a moment to be honest with myself to get to the bottom of what I was going through. That’s my whole reason for my blog in the first place.
All I’ve ever known is poverty. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the reason for my recent severe anxiety. I’m moving in less than a week to an expensive city and with a roommate that personifies white middle-class. We’ve been very good friends for many years now, but now that we’re going to be sharing many financial responsibilities, I’m worried that it’s going to be the cause of arguments and overall tension at home.
I keep thinking about what’s “wrong with me”, and realize that I’ve never learned to be financially independent. It’s something I’m learning on the fly, and at times, am failing miserably at. My father has always been a laborer. My mother has been, an office clerk at best, a factory worker at worst. This isn’t a judgment on them. I appreciate everything they’ve ever given me, including the humility that comes with struggling for what you achieve. Neither has an education above the 9th grade. I’m the first person in my family to complete high school, and to come even close to earning a college degree, something I accomplished last year. Our family has never had much in savings, and nothing in the way of retirement plans or property ownership. My parents and older sister have all filed for bankruptcy. The family’s combined credit couldn’t buy a decent lunch.
Up until now, we’ve had to suffer our poor financial standing alone. The irony is that we’ve suffered through it as a family. We’ve leaned on each other for emotional and moral support in our darkest hours. It’s not something I talk about publicly, but I’ve been homeless three times in my life. I’ve slept in cars and in parks, and gone several days without food. These have been my burdens, and I’ve carried them gladly for my family that I love, and they have done so for me as well.
But now I’m faced with the possibility of imposing my poor socioeconomic standing on someone that’s not ready or willing to carry that weight. The kinds of problems that forged a unique bond with my parents and siblings may be the undoing of a great and fruitful friendship. It terrifies me that making this move may be a horrible mistake. I should have moved in with a stranger. Someone who may some day kick me to the curb and I wouldn’t care either way.
I don’t know how to be financially independent. I was never taught, and never had anybody’s example at home to follow. I don’t know how to invest, save, or plan my finances. From my father I know how to be a hard worker. From my mother, how to be a personable person. It’s the only things I can take into my career. Whether stapling call sheets as a PA, or carrying lights as a grip, I know I’ll bust my ass and do it with a friendly attitude. Everything else, I’m winging it. That may not be good enough, but it’s all I’ve got to work with. It’s what got me through high school and college.
We’ll see how much further it gets me. I’ll pre-draft a post for three months from now when I’ve run out of money, can’t find a job, and am back home with at least one fewer friends.
The move is quickly coming up. I picked a bad time to quit* smoking. Ever since a house-hunting trip to Los Angeles a few weeks ago, I’ve been on full freak out mode about moving away. I regularly suffer from anxiety attacks, but now I can’t go 24 hours without getting short of breath, getting dizzy, and becoming extremely irritable. This is of most concern on the times that it’s happened while I’m driving and I just want to slam my car into every jerk-off driver. It’s happened more than once.
Despite my horrible physiological response to the added stress, I’m trying to get ready for the move. Our trip yielded a few housing possibilities within our price range. After applying to a few of them, we eventually heard back from and accepted to live at this nice old house in Glendale, CA. I lucked out with a control-freak (in a good way) roommate that’s been handling all of the paperwork and preparations to get use moved and all of our services turned on. I’d be completely lost without this dude. Now I have plenty of time to freak out and have anxiety attacks.
Tonight, I went and saw a movie with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long while. We’ve been friends for a long time, but diverging paths has limited how much we hang out as of late. It was reassuring that although I’m scared of the things that will be changing soon, things like friendships can endure.
Well, it’s about 3 AM now, and I’m finally getting sleepy. Hope tomorrow goes a little easier on the brain than today did.
* Mostly quit. I had a brief relapse this week. It was a necessary evil.
The last couple of weeks have been a roller-fucking-coaster. As the holidays came around, I was on top of the world. I was working a job that I enjoyed and that paid extremely well. Not to mention my co-workers were cool people to be around all day.
However, shortly before the New Year, I was informed that the holiday season was coming to an end and that I was being let go. I knew that the job had an expiration date, and I made it to the last cut of people that were let go, but it still sucked to lose that job. Much love Tiny Prints, much love. I was really bummed about it for a few days.
Gladly, I was able to do something positive. Without the stress of work and with the pressure to save money since I wasn’t earning any more, I quit smoking cigarettes after 7 years. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but it doesn’t feel like other times I’ve “quit”. This one is a lifestyle change. I don’t want to be a smoker anymore, so I’m not going to be. 30 years from now, I’ll be able to talk about being a smoker for less than a decade when I was young.
I was feeling good and positive with the move coming up, but then my money started to slowly run out. Even if I’m staying at home, living isn’t free, so my savings was slowly depleting. I’m pretty much at the limit for how much I need to have saved to move away, so every soda or candy bar I buy, it hurts a little more than it should. It’s really making me anxious and stressed about being able to find work as soon as I arrive in Los Angeles.
On top of all of that, I’m helping my dad and brother move to a new apartment. It’s been a move that they’ve wanted for a long time, so I’m very happy for them. I wish I could have enjoyed the new place more than a couple of weeks, but I’ll have my own move to worry about soon enough. It’s stressful because they’re (read: we’re) right in the middle of the process, but as soon as it’s over, I’m sure it will feel really great.
I’ve been keeping my head in all of this moving business, but my personal life hasn’t been perfect. A close friendship has become complicated over the last year, to the point that I think it’s over. I take full responsibility, but I long for simpler days when I had one more friend. I’ll never get into details because it’s stayed a private matter, but it’s something that’s going to bother me for a very very long time. We have several mutual friends so our paths will cross every so often. I’ll be polite, but not too friendly beyond that.
Well, it felt good to write that all down, so I’ll end my post here. Next week I’m taking a trip to LA to look at some apartments with my roommates. I’ll try and make a new post right after then.
I was going to write about this last week, but the events were too recent, so I decided to wait for some perspective.
Ten days ago, one of my dad’s friends and co-workers was murdered about 3 miles from where we live. He was out having drinks with his wife when he had a tiny altercation with a guy at the bar they were at. The guy got offended, and when my dad’s friend tried to leave to avoid escalation, the guy followed him to his car and shot him in the back, killing him before paramedics arrived. He was 28 and leaves behind a wife and two small children. The shooter and his accomplices are still at large.
My dad found out the next morning while we were watching football, and it devastated him. I’ve only seen my dad cry a few times in my life, and I assure you each time it was a poignant event. That morning, I hugged him tight as he openly grieved at the news of his friends’ murder.
In the week and change that has passed since then, he’s been doing better every day. He tells stories and laughs at memories that must feel all too distant to him now. At work, the guy that was killed was pretty much the right hand man of the company’s owner. He was very upset when my dad told him the news Monday morning. Later in the day, he came back and talked with my dad, letting him know that the tragedy meant that my dad had to step up and fill in at work, and to expect a pay increase as a result. From tragedy, some good news. Not really the way you want to get a raise.
Every one in my family copes with pain pretty much the same way, with humor. If we didn’t laugh at life, we’d all be very sad people. Wednesday, my dad said, “the guy owed me 20 bucks. Why do you think I was crying?” I think I would have made the same joke, given the same situation.
This post has been mostly anecdotal. I just wanted to tell the story. But in the week that I’ve let it simmer, it’s brought up a lot of thoughts about my life so far and where I want the future to take me. I’ll write about that tomorrow. It’s pretty late and I have to be up for work tomorrow.
Life goes on.
Okay, it’s not that serious. However, I am again among the employed. I mentioned before that I got a job with a greeting card company, and I spent the past week in training for it. It seems like it’s going to be a highly complicated, however relatively easy, job. They hire a buttload of seasonal employees around this time every year because in the next few months they’re going to be going through many thousands of holiday card orders ever day. What that amounts to for the employees is a buttload of overtime to process all of the orders in a timely fashion. Whoo-hoo! Overtime!
You may think I’m being sarcastic, but I’m genuinely excited for it. During the interview process, one of my new bosses asked how I would be able to deal with possible 12-hour days. Ha! I just had to share some war stories about 16- and 18-hour shoot days to show her that the hours weren’t an issue. And getting time-and-a-half after 8 (instead of after 12 like on a shoot) is pretty sweet too.
I mean, I’m not saying I won’t get tired or bored. It’s a lot of time to be doing one thing over and over, but I am absolutely positive that I’ll be able to stay motivated by keeping my eyes on the forthcoming goal that the job will make possible. I might count every hour of work in units of “xx fractions of Los Angeles rent”.
One thing I keep thinking about whenever I contemplate moving away is cleaning up loose ends. To not discourage myself about the move, I try not to think too often about the people I’m not going to see anymore. Yeah, I’m moving to a place where the majority of my old and current friends are going to be living, but I’m leaving behind my dad and brother. I love them a great deal, and the three of us have spent the last few years heavily depending on the other two. I’m doing my best to set myself up to become independent of them, but I worry that they’re going to struggle without my presence. I’m not being an egotist in saying this. If you were to study our day-to-day, you might suggest the same possibility. It’s symbiotic. I might turn out to be a total failure without their support in LA. I dunno. I’m very aware that with my new work schedule and the short time left before I leave, I may not be able to reconcile these concerns.
For now, I appreciate my family and we help each other one day at a time. When the time comes that we’re not together anymore, I am certain I am going to miss the hell out of them.
So, the days tick away as I prepare to move to Los Angeles and begin my career in the entertainment industry. Every day it feels less and less like a pipe dream, and more and more it seems an imminent reality.
This past week, I worked as a production assistant on a reality TV show for the first time. A friend passed on the job opportunity, and without the need to drop any names or kiss any ass, I submitted my resume and was hired a couple of days later. It was definitely an experience unlike any other I’ve had in my time working in entertainment. It took a few days to get used to the fact that reality TV has a very different system of working than narrative film projects. In the end, I enjoyed my time with the crew, met some interesting people, and hopefully made some fruitful connections.
In particular, the production coordinator was helpful in showing me how everything works and what everybody does on the crew. He was always readily available to answer my questions, whether it was about my day-to-day tasks or about my career in the industry. One day, we were having a chat and he asked me about my upcoming goals. I mentioned my plans on moving to LA, and he told me, “Can I make a suggestion? Don’t plan on moving, just do it.” It seems like a trivial comment to make, but it really helps guide my mindset for these next couple of months. I am not planning on moving, I’m working on it. And I’m going to do it.
Since my last post, I got the reality TV job, I’ve been offered a couple more gigs, and have been hired by a greeting card company to work a seasonal job. All of those things combined are going to put me in an excellent position to make the transition to California and get settled without too much trouble.
I’m in a very happy place personally, especially considering a month ago I was not at all hopeful that I’d easily find employment. Now, I have several options to pick from, and positive future prospects. I have some things to work on still, but that’s just exactly what I’m doing. Working on them. Not hoping, or wishing, or planning. I’m doing it.
Yesterday was an important day for all of America. That’s right, football is back! And better yet, my team won!
The last few months have been quite a whirlwind of activity and decision-making. It all started with a small trip to Six Flags. What was supposed to be a weekend of light-hearted fun turned out to be an eye-opening look at the future. Let me back up a little bit.
This last summer was awful… for the most part. I graduated college in May (finally) and shortly after, an old college buddy called with a great opportunity. An independent feature film was shooting in town and they needed to fill the crew with local folks. I was lucky to be one of the ones referred, and I gladly took the job. Turns out the movie was being produced and independently financed by Baltimore Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs, who has ties to Arizona from his college playing days. I got to work with a great group of professionals, and I got paid to do something I really enjoyed.
After that though, the summer and the year was pretty terrible. I haven’t been doing much of anything, and haven’t really been motivated to change that. There’s the obvious truth that I won’t get anywhere in life if I don’t do anything, but I didnt’ really care enough to react. I took a few freelance web design jobs that added to the money I made from the movie, so bills were covered. But there was no forward momentum. No real goals to work toward. It was a really sad funk. Then, we went to Six Flags.
Though the actual day at the theme park was one of the funnest I’ve ever had, it was not the most important part of the trip. More important was the chance to spend time with old friends that had lived and gone to school with me in Arizona, and were now doing things with their life that I want to do as well. It was very enlightening to talk with people I could relate to and see their recent successes. It showed me that the possibilities were there, but I had to go get them. And I had to do it in Los Angeles. Not even a month later, we returned to L.A. and that motivation only increased. More so than that, it became focused. A friend of mine that was also motivated by the Six Flags trip became certain that L.A. was where he wanted to live, and he wanted to make the move soon. So, we decided that we will be roommates to help defer costs, and that we will be moving in December rather than waiting longer to make the transition.
Now, the challenge is making it happen. I’ve made claims of future goals before, without much thought on how to achieve them. But it’s been a while since I’ve been so resolute in my intentions. I’ll find a way to make this work, one way or another. So, the countdown is on. I’m moving away and not looking back. Want to help? I need temporary work while I wait to leave, and steady work in L.A. once I arrive. I’m coming for you show business.
New post coming soon. Feel in a writing mood.
The announcement and beta release of Google+ seems to have reawakaned an interest in social media in people. All of a sudden, people I’ve never known to use Twitter are making accounts and using them. People are making Myspace jokes again. It’s actually kind of refreshing. The Internet had fallen into this slump where the competition was over and the lines had been drawn. Facebook was for talking with friends, Twitter was for marketing and knowing what’s going on with celebrities, Tumblr was for image and short-form text blogs, and Reddit was for news and communities. All of a sudden, the giant that is Google comes out of nowhere and says they can do all of that, in one place. Even if they fail (see: Buzz, Wave, etc.) at least they’ve revitalized the discussion over the usage and proliferation of all of the other forms of social media.
P.S. If you have a G+ account, leave me a message. I have room in some circles.
Daenerys
Someone on the LupE.N.D blog posted a bunch of videos from last night’s show. Better than those photos.
